We recently had to have a very honest and mature conversation with our girls about “Expectations”. They (or maybe it is just one of them) seem to throw their attitude around quite a bit whenever things don’t quite go according to their plan.
Jake and I had planned a surprise for the girls a few weeks ago (honestly, I can’t even remember what it was! Maybe it wasn’t all that great of a surprise…Oh! It was a trip to the zoo!), but it wasn’t the surprise one of the girls was expecting. (I know. Crazy, right? How could the zoo not be on the top of her list??) Her father and I, realizing the unqualified disappointment, might have thrown a few heart-stinging words out there during that impromptu convo…one being “spoiled”. (No - we didn't say, "You are spoiled." We said, "You are acting spoiled." Don't label your children...describe the behavior...right? That's what "they" say you should do when disciplining your children?) Anyway, you get to a point where you just don’t know what else to say or do to get your point across. Sometimes you have to be brutally honest. I mean, we were trying to have a special moment with our girls, and they were so focused on unrealistic (spoiled) expectations to even appreciate it. (Ironic, huh? Our expectations weren't met. Ha.) Moral of the story is "unrealistic expectations" are not what we’re trying to instill in our daughters AT ALL.
We want them to appreciate that we want to spend quality time with them whenever we can. That just because we work a lot and aren't able to spend a lot of time with them, doesn’t mean we don’t care. And that “getting stuff” does not = love. Shared experiences, confusing games of “Trouble,” binge-watching, “Just Add Magic," Friday Night Movie Nights, cleaning the basement with Mom (aka – “discovering the treasures Mom and Dad stowed away down here before getting a chance to donate them”), and spontaneous trips to the zoo - that’s what’s important. Us just being together.
It was a very hot and tiresome trip to the zoo actually. We were all kind of miserable afterwards! LOL! But it ended up being “okay” for the grumpy one…in her defense, we had been so busy the weeks before, I think she was beyond exhausted, but it was one of those (well….we haven’t been to the zoo in a year and actually don’t have plans today – let’s go.) moments. Downtime and plenty of sleep are probably our favorite things…that might have been a better way for us to go that day...but it was nothing lunch at Freddie's couldn't fix...anyway….
It made me think about expectations and how having them sets you up for disappointment. It seems no matter what it is that you expect, no matter how close reality is to your expectations, it will never be EXACTLY what you expect.
At some point in my life, I decided it was far better to just NOT expect anything to happen. It's okay to have hopes, but keep your hopes and excitement separate from expectations. Que sera sera. I know that sounds impossible, but I think you can live your day enjoying the moment, visualizing the positive, and accepting whatever happens. Expectations are so....specific and set in stone. They are what they are. But hope and excitement seems so much more flexible.
“Work Hard. Expect Nothing. Appreciate Everything.”
But what about these mottos?
Live your best life now.
Dream big.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Set huge goals.
Face your fears.
We hear (or read) those types of messages over and over EVERY single day. I know I’ve spread those cheerful ideas! And I don’t disagree with them. I stand behind them. 100%. They are all things we all should be doing.
But there IS something I don’t understand, and this goes beyond my girls…I’m thinking of adults now…
Why do we need to be convinced of these things? That we are worth it? That we are good enough? That we deserve to live the life we’ve always dreamed of? That we need to be taking more chances? Why are people CONSTANTLY saying things like that?? Like we don't know our own worth and aren’t living that way already. (It’s the Internet’s fault. People “make-up” a problem, it sounds legit, and then it spreads like wildfire. Or we only see the “perfect” moments people choose to share….totally unrealistic, by the way…) After a while, we start to think, “Oh gosh. AM I screwing up at life?? I mean…people are always talking AT me like I am…like I haven’t made any of the right choices my ENTIRE life. And my life sure as heck doesn't look like THAT! I better stop everything that I’m doing and change my life COMPLETELY.” You’re convinced that they (whoever “they” are) must be right. But how would they know anyway?
I try to live a positive (yet realistic) life. I don’t get too hung up on things that aren’t going so hot. I try to find the silver lining. I try to encourage and help others do the same. I hate being angry, sad, or disappointed. It's such a waste of time. And since we determine how we feel about a situation, I try to choose other, more positive, feelings. :) I’m good at that (most of the time). In fact, as I was typing this, I had to tell my daughter (who was devastated our afternoon plans fell through because her sister became ill), "If you want to keep being grumpy and have a bad rest of the day, go right ahead. Or you can find a way to be happy and have a good rest of the day. It's up you." It really is a constant battle...trying to teach your child resiliency.... Anywho, the realistic part of my positive outlook is explained by the second part of the motto, “Expect Nothing.” I’ll explain this a little more later.
I have read a few times something along the lines of, “You’re not supposed to be happy all of the time.” Well, let me tell you, it’s also not your job to be miserable either. God does not want that for us. I think He wants us to have faith and trust in Him at all times. And for me, that brings contentment, peace, and, ultimately, happiness.
Speaking of God.
I’ve seen a post or two about how we need to live the life that God wants us to live, not the life WE want to live. (Basically bashing the “Girl Wash Your Face” movement.) Here’s MY take on it:
God puts a dream in our hearts. He gives us passion to bring that dream to life. If our dream is not harmful to our relationship with God, our family, and other responsibilities, why shouldn’t we live out our dreams?
God did not create us without a purpose. Not all purposes are loud or vibrant, but every purpose was meant to be. If you feel something deep down, then there’s a good chance that feeling was put there by God, and it is our duty to do something with it.
You don’t have to start an Instagram Campaign and round up thousands of supporters. (And I think that it’s the extrovert-lifestyle that we’re constantly bombarded with that makes a lot of us feel inferior or that we’re living wrong.) So don’t worry about getting attention. You don’t even have to tell a SINGLE person about your dream if you feel that’s not your dream’s purpose. Maybe your dream is quiet. Maybe it’s one of those behind the scenes, “I’m gonna make the world a better place one piece of picked up litter at a time” sort of dream.
That’s okay. And I shouldn’t have to tell you that.
But let’s get back to my motto, and why I think it’s important.
Setting goals and stepping out of our comfort zones and working your tail off to reach your goals and face your fears are all fine and dandy, but once you start throwing expectations around…that’s when you get into trouble (like when your kid has her heart set on a playdate with one of her best friends, and you have to tell her that it's been canceled due to a stomach bug).
When you start believing that because you “put it out there in the universe” or you “wrote it down” or you followed your plan to a “T” that you’re going to get exactly what you want, you’re gonna be SOOO disappointed. Because you’re not gonna get EXACTLY what you want. You might get a portion of what you want, but nothing is a guarantee.
If you have, however, managed to figure out how to predict the future, please share that knowledge with me, because the only thing I know for sure is that I really don’t know anything for sure! ;)
So my motto is basically:
Think about what it is that you really want.
Create that plan to possibly help you get there.
Work hard to stick to your plan to reach your goals.
Do everything in your power to open those doors of opportunity and pray to God that windows might be opened, too.
Focus on the process – not the end result. There's a lot of ground between Point A and Point B - you might as well soak all of it in.
Put the results in His hands. If you can say at the end of the day you did all you could, leaving the rest to Him, how can you be disappointed?
Appreciate whatever the results are – enjoy the good, and learn from the bad.
Once you stop having any sort of expectation about what’s going to be, you’ll feel so much more content. If good things happen to happen, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. If bad things happen, you won’t be disappointed because you didn’t expect anything specific to happen anyway, and you’ll have learned a valuable lesson or two. You put it all on God, and He gave what He wanted you to have. How simple is that?
Taking that pressure off of yourself, makes it that much easier to live a content life, and to follow your heart and the dreams He gave you.
So back to our girls. I want them to know that they’re capable of anything. That if they put in the time and effort and maintain a positive attitude, there’s a really great chance that something good will come of it, but if something doesn’t come of it or it doesn't go quite as planned, it will be okay. They will have worked hard and learned something. They will have lived in the moment and enjoyed the journey. And they will (hopefully) be grateful for all of it.
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